First of all, Happy New Year! Just 12 days late though =) You see I have an excuse and that excuse would be this:
It is no lie that I am an open individual. I am one that hopes that my story might help someone out in the future. I hold no punches, I am blunt and to the point (on some topics) but I am one that is wanting to try and help someone out that might be in my shoes or has ever had some dark thoughts go through their mind at some point. I want you to know that to who ever might be reading this that might be in that dark season of life, you are not alone, and you do not need to struggle alone. To know that you can go from “Rags” to “Riches” when you put your mind, body and soul into things. It is also because of the blessings of God that I am still here.
To start out from my last blog post, that was the last time that I was actually living in an area with a roof over my head. You see, I was kicked out of base housing because my wife moved out. I was not welcomed in my place of residence because I didnt have a live in spouse. Her and I had our issues, but during the time of my deployment she fell into the arms and bed of another man and decided to go live with him. (That will be the last time I will ever bring her up in one of these blogs. I am just saying this now so you have full range of what has happened to get the full story of the steps that I had to go through to where I am now.) I had some very good friends that came over to my place on base and helped me pack up everything that I owned execpt for my uniforms and the cat box and put it all in storage. I ended up living in my car with Ruger and Lundy for just about a month. Going from parking lot to parking lot to sleep in. I would bring Ruger into work with me from time to time so he has more than a few feet to move around in from day to day. I would eat maybe two or three times a week but made sure my “boys” had their food. Everything I had went to bills that the future ex and I accumilated. Plus I couldnt find an apartment due to the fact that Ruger was a German Shepherd, and here in Spokane, German Shepherds are considered an “aggressive breed.” Ruger and Lundy are my family; heck, the only family that I have left! I refuse to give up these two animals that saved my life from my suicide attempt that I had when I got back from my deployment. I mean, how would you feel coming home after being gone for six months with no one there?
Anyways…
After living in my car for the month, I was thankful to go over to the place that I always felt welcomed at. The “studio!” I vented to one of my best friends, Gavin, and he offered to live in his shed that was on his property out in Deer Park Washington. After gathering up my bed from the storage unit, and some other clothing, I moved into his shed and felt welcomed by Gavin, and his roommates (Scotty, Rayce and Hardy) and Ruger had a place to actually run around and chase things. Mostly the goats that lived on the property.
In the month of May and into June, I contracted COVID-19 and I felt like straight up death! I would sleep for 20 hours out of the day and be woken up by Ruger to go out or when Rayce would knock on my door to make sure I was still alive and to make sure I was drinking water. During the time that I was sick/recovering I participated in the third annual “Same Dress Spokane.” This project is when we have 10 other photographers come together to have common goals where it is Community over Competition, and for us to show off our creativity, but most of all to help raise money for the Spokane Humane Society. My good friend, Rachel Fellows, goes out thrift shopping to find a classy dress or one that is just off the wall and us select few photographers have a week with the dress and do whatever we want with it. Minus getting it wet or wrecked. After our week is done, we pass the dress off to the next person and we do not post our finished images until a certain date. Well, the dress, like normal, was a beautiful one but challenging due to the reflective nature of it. I used a past co-workers wife as my model, the amazing Amber Blackstock in the Garland District area of Spokane city. In this area there is an alleyway that has nothing but graffiti and with themes and such. Amber and her husband Cameron, saw what the dress looked like and thought of David Bowie from the 1970s early 1980s. Low and behold, in the alleyway, there was a David Bowie mural that was painted on the wall. Amber painted her face with a matching lightening bolt, and not only did she look beautiful in the dress, but she played the roll as well. I am amazed by my supporters here in my work and willing to go the extra mile to help me out to bring out my best. After the revealing of the images, the dress went up for auction on Ebay and fetched a handsome $1800!! The most we have ever had!! I honestly cant wait for this years dress and what I can do with it along with whoever might be my model.
Also in June, well the end of June into July, I went home back to Michigan for the first time in 5 years. Driving by myself across the country was not only boring but I was able to reflect on a lot of things. I made the 2600 mile journey by myself in about 78 hours. Stopping only for gas! I would eat only once a day and that was at the end of the day before I would go to sleep in my car. When I arrived back home in Saginaw for on the 3rd of July, all I wanted was a burger a brew and a shower! =)
When I drove back to Washington I made a pit stop off and picked up the newest member of my family, Faith. She is a sable German Shepherd that is nothing but piss and vinegar but everything that Ruger is not. Ruger is the protective guy in the house a loner, and only comes to you when he is hungry or wants his butt scratched. Faith on the other hand, is my little cuddle bug. Yeah, she snores, farts, and takes up the whole bed, but when she looks into your eyes, at least for me, it shows that she not only cares but has nothing but love in her heart. A heart that seems to be full of destruction.
When living in the shed, she destroyed everything. She had to be kenneled up when I was at work because she just couldnt be trusted. One day I had her out on her harness and she chewed through it and made it into the chicken coop and ended up killing three chickens. I am guessing she thought they were giant play toys that moved around. Either way after replacing such chickens I made it known to Gavin that I was thankful for his love and his hospitality when a person was at the lowest of their low and moved into a co-workers garage. (Yeah I know, a freaking upgrade!) While there I was able to pay on my debt and also be closer to work. Only driving a half hour to 45 minutes to work instead of the 1 hr or 1 1/2 hours to work. I was yelled at because I wouldnt eat dinner with my co-worker and his family and I would keep to myself. That is just me though. I am an introvert!
A week before my moving, I was in contact with a beautiful soul from Colfax who was in the process of competing for the Miss Washington Title. I asked her if she would be willing to be my model for the trip to the Colfax abandoned hospital of St. Ignatius. About two weeks before our meeting, she wont the title of Miss Washington and still honored our deal of working together. You see, when a woman wins the crown of such a title, they have obligations that they have to fulfill and I honestly didnt know if she would be able to or even wanted to work with me still. Either way, we met up, and Lorien was not only the most beautiful woman there, but she said she wanted to work with me even though there were other photographers there. I felt so honored to be around such beauty. While working together, even though I was just struggling … I mean just STRUGGLING… to the point where I had a panic attack and excused myself to cry, she still showed me love and affection and well being. Now if that isnt the defination of a crown wearing woman, then I dont know what is! Since that day, I have attempted to contact her as much as possible and the weird thing is, she always keeps responding back. I dont know if I am the lost puppy and she is being nice, or I am actually good enough in her eyes. Either way, I HONOR her and CHERISH her still to this day. Lorien and I still talk to this day and she has been my shoulder in hard times, she has been my voice of reason, and most of all, she has been a friend that I love with all my heart. You will hear more about Lorien when it comes to the Christmas time.
So after living at my co-workers garage for a few months, I decided I cant do this anymore. I need to get out on my own. I am not a looking to be a charity case, but just a man that was down on his luck for a period of time. During the time of living with Gavin and my co-worker, I paid off over 36k in debt! I am now able to have my head above water when it comes to debt. Yeah I went without for a year, but my fur family always came first. They ate daily… I didnt because I knew why I was going without they wouldnt know. I would give my family everything while I would suffer in silence.
So December rolls around and I finally found a place to live at. A place where I finally call my own. One that would accept German Shepherds and my jerk of a cat. I had those same co-workers come out and help me move and I paid them in pizza and beer, but also in love and devotion from a guy that was so broken that turned his life around with a goal and succeed in such goal knowing that it would take a marathon not a sprint to get there. A few days before Christmas, Lorien and I were talking and she asked what I was doing for Christmas. I said because Christmas is a family holiday and since I dont have a family, I will be spending the time with just my fur kids and calling it a day. She ended up contacting her older sister and she had me over their house in Liberty Lake for Christmas. I havent felt so welcomed in all my life. To where the members of their family cared to what I had to say, didnt have to sit at the kiddie table, I felt appreciated for once in my life. Like I was valued! I was actually given presents as well! I mean my own family didnt give me anything! That day made me feel so alive! Lorien showed up for a few minutes and seeing her I felt ontop of the world and also so thankful as well. To have some lowly person like me be lifted up to feel like I was special. The night ended with lots of laughs and lots of hugs and blessings.
New Years came around a week later and I sat at home and went to bed at 2030. Yeah… a huge party animal here =)
So that is what 2021 brought me. It showed me that when you are down and out, you can still pull yourself up with help. It might have to have you drop your pride in order to do such a thing. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. Knowing that you need to get by, as Joe Cocker said, “With a little help from my friends.”
2022— I have goals. I have the goals to be better than what I was the day before but not as good as what I will be tomorrow. I will still continue to look up to the sky and give glory to God, my Father, for each day I continue to see. Like Lorien always tells me, and I am starting to believe if… I am worth it. I am worthy of love, friendship, and to be treated with love and respect.
